8 Reasons Why Your Toddler is Probably a Secret Government Spy

Thursday, January 15, 2015

8 Reasons Why Your Toddler is Probably a Secret Government Spy

Have you ever wondered why your toddler has an amazing set of skills that they just seem to intuitively pick up out of thin air? These talents might not be from natural ability, there could be a much more sinister force at work here. My friend Carter from the blog DadScribe.com recently showed me an article where a well-known racecar driver claimed his ex-girlfriend was a secret government assassin.

It got me thinking, “Could toddlers actually have acquired their skills from an underground government agency? Is it possible my kids are actually secret government spies?” You look at the evidence; it might not be as far fetched as it sounds!

1. Their aim is deadly.
Dads, have you ever had a toddler run at and hit you full speed? They are just the right height to put you out of commission with this one move. I won’t even mention their aim with wiffle ball bats, we’ve all seen those videos. If that’s not the talent of a government super spy, I don’t know what it is.

2. They have the ability to stay up all night.
Everyone knows a secret government agent needs little to no sleep. Your toddler can prop those eyelids open longer than what seems to be humanly possible. They have literally trained their entire lives to be able to stay up longer than you. This training has to be a sign of their elite spy status.

3. They can interrogate like no other.
Every parent has been reduced to tears by their toddler’s interrogation tactics. You think they ask “why” 4,000 times per hour by accident? Do you really believe they have no idea they’ve pooped out of the last clean onesie in the house? They knew hiding the car keys would send your world spinning. You were beaten before you even had your first cup of coffee this morning.

4. They have James Bond level escapability.
You can try to put them in their crib, lock them in their play yard, or even confine them to their high chair. One moment they’re happily playing with their Toy Story dolls and the next they’ve vanished into thin air. They have one mission, to flee from you. In the time it took you to read this sentence, they’ve already developed their next escape plan.

5. Their palates are finely tuned machines.
You think they spit out that pureed turkey and winter vegetable medley because they were just being difficult? Toddlers know to hold out for the good stuff. Secret agents can order in foreign languages while deciphering the best bottle on the wine list. They know if they throw the food to the dog (or on your shirt) it’s just a matter of time before the treats come out. Toddlers can brave starvation for however long it takes to get the gourmet food you reserve for special occasions and emergency snacks. Government spies don’t settle for ground beef when there’s lobster to be had.

6. They can spot their target from across the room.
Secret agents can see their mark and swiftly seize it before anyone is the wiser. Toddlers are no different. With their cat-like reflexes they run, crawl, and dive to get that ball of gunk on the floor and stick it in their mouths faster than anyone else could ever hope to move. With their target in sight, no parent matches a toddler super spy’s speed and agility.

7. Their determination is legendary.
A secret government agent never stops until the mission is successfully completed. Whether it’s having a fifteen-minute meltdown over the wrong colored shirt, or somehow grabbing that antique picture frame using their elastic like reach, the toddler resolve is unshakeable. Just like a secret agent, they will do everything in their power to accomplish their goal, no matter how much damage it causes.

8. They can adapt to any situation.
Toddlers are just as comfortable running down the street naked as they are showing off the latest fashion at the playground. They can also turn their emotions on and off like a faucet. I know you thought they were seriously upset when they were screaming about their pacifier, but you were just sucked into their game. Just like 007, they can adapt appearance and emotions to whatever the mission’s surroundings require.

There you have it, undeniable evidence that your toddler is probably a secret government spy. When you add it all up, there really is no other logical conclusion. The only question is, “Are you in their crosshairs next?”

Let me know below how else your kids have shown themselves to be secret government spies.


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